'Comedy' Scripts

(points dramatically) And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we never leave Gary alone with the spaghetti. Ever.

(waving a spatula) Alright, listen up! If we’re going to survive this cookout, there are some rules. First, nobody lets Kevin near the grill. Remember the last time? We don’t want another hot dog inferno. And whoever brings tofu burgers again…you’re walking home.

(holding up a half-eaten cookie) This…this is why I don’t bake. You see this? It’s supposed to be a chocolate chip cookie, but somehow it turned into a rock. I don’t even know how that’s scientifically possible. Baking and I? We’re just not meant to be.

(arms crossed) Oh, so you’re telling me you didn’t see the giant “WET PAINT” sign? And now your new jacket is Picasso’d with random colors? Brilliant move, Sherlock. Next time, maybe you should wear glasses…or just open your eyes.

(holding a ukulele) Alright, karaoke night is officially on! But let’s set some ground rules. No more singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” unless you actually know the lyrics. And Karen, if you start rapping again, I will personally unplug the mic. Ready? Let’s get this disaster started!

(staring at a printer) Look, I don’t know what kind of dark magic you’re using, but every time I need to print something, you jam. Every. Single. Time. And yes, I’ve tried turning you off and on again. Maybe you just hate me. Well, the feeling’s mutual, buddy.

(mimics ringing phone) Hello, this is Pizza Palace. Wait, who ordered 50 anchovy pizzas? (grimaces) Oh, it’s for Carl…figures.

(mock serious) I solemnly swear, if you ever attempt to cook Thanksgiving dinner again, I will call the fire department preemptively.